right now im rather peeved.
i've just spent 3 hours looking for an ACCEPTABLE blogskin. yay me. so i'm gona be totally honest about whatever i'm feeling and whatever i'm saying. people won't get to this new link soon anyway so i guess im safe xD
actually its quite funny. i remembered hunting so long for a blogskin last year and i was thinking "GOSH. why aren't there any horrifically adorable skins?!" just now i was thinking "DAMN. why aren't there any freaking goth skins?!" haha! HUGE change in taste.
i'm feeling quite OKAY with this blogskin. but well..i was feeling black. well not feeling black as inn moody black but feeling
like black. weird.
had training yesterday with chuye n kiamui and POOP I HAVE A COMPETITION ON SAT AND SUN *BREATHES* im gona die. i don't think i cant produce constant 160s for 4 games. so dead..
anyway, before training mui and i were talking about 4J and 3J. it was really great..and i do miss both. they are the same class, but being with different ppl changes the entire experience. in 08, i was closer to gaun, jas, and mui. that was really the peak of my time in 3/4J. cus i was among people who were entirely like, and yet totally unlike, me! we were equally matched in high-ness and crazy ideas always seem to sprout out when we're tgt. i had a great time with them and for once it felt great to be the high 'me'. i don't really get to do that often (:
then at the end of 08, or rather from the middle, i started to inch closer to my bestie seok. we faced problems w our friendship in sec 2 and things sorta dried up n died down between us. however, around that time she started needing me and i began to lend my shoulder to her 24/7. it was tiring..and yet great. i understood her. it was just then when i got closer to both sheena, and derek. it brought stress to my n seoks friendship, and helped me and sheena got closer. during that last half of a year, i started to feel really happy and loved (: call me absurd but this new link thingy is making me emotional. *barfs*
come 09, somehow i got closer to alicia, elisa and jing lan. it was a different experience, a different exhileration. with that group, i could be my solemn serious self and no one would think i was EMO or sth. i could be honest about my feelings and lecture the immature side of me. at the beginning, i was still active. i had my dear nana, my beloved seok, funny fayth, long-lost hansel, and a wreck i've begun to take a liking to. but everything started to change. around may, i started to lose interest in everything. i didn't want to study, i didn't want to hang out, i couldn't control my temper, gosh it was horrid. all i knew was that..i was bored. the only reason why i talked in class and among my friends was cause i hated silence. no matter how bored i was, i needed laughter in my life. weird huh
talking to mui yesterday made me realise these big changes that went on in these 2 years of my life. i used to be fun, sociable, i duno everything good. it felt great and nice to me. as the americans like to say, i felt positive energy. i was glowing on the inside. with joy, happiness, everything. but this year...all these were gone. i didn't feel happy, nor did i feel sad. well there was a period after everything came apart where i was bombed with all sorts or emotions, but after that..it was just gray. everything was. and thinking about it now makes me both sad and angry. I'VE JUST WASTED AN ENTIRE YEAR. it sucks.
if it weren't for my friends, i would have just floated away man~ so thanks jinglan, alicia, elisa, nana, seok and the many others. seok i swear im gona jio u out this hols!!
someone once said i have a very high threshold, for anger, hurt. that was when i still felt. now i mostly feel nothing. hmm..in fact if i felt anything, its gray. i just don't really care anymore. i so hate this. but i cant get myself out of this nightmare. gosh someone teach me how to care..
it's only been a year but it feels like an eternity..
HURMPH. im gona bring colour back into my life somehow. i swear.
so i shall dedicate 2mr's post to 3/4J :D
psst. ps about the rants!!!
happy holidays (:
